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How can a Dominant help their submissive confront that last issue, the last piece of control they are clinging to, and overcome their hesitation or fear in relinquishing that control? MANAGEMENT Many things go on during the evolution of a relationship between a Dominant and submissive. In the beginning both people are filled with somewhat nebulous hopes, dreams and ideas. For the submissive they mentally decide that they can submit fully even though this is for them a completely untried state. It is fairly easy for the mind to accept a 'role' in the short term, as in small clusters of time with their Dominant. External to those short periods of time that submissive returns to their normal state or condition. Their mind creates a 'window' of time where it permits the submissive to 'present their submission'. This in many ways is an illusion. It is a manifestation of a role, not the execution of the inner self. This state of acceptable submission can and may extend for a long time if the time frames remain somewhat constant. The submissive can become quite comfortable with this 'submission' and consider themselves a full submissive. Moving the submissive out of these boundaries places them in a totally different place. Their submission has no escape. Or their internal viewpoint tells them so. The mind is able to perform a 'role' for only a limited period of time before the other aspects of the personality increase pressure until they can release. Often the submissive is somewhat unaware that any of this is occurring and may find from the inside that they feel restless, angry, resentful, combative, destructive. They have convinced themselves that they are perfectly submissive. Often, especially in new Dominant's and submissives, there are elaborate creations or expectations on what a full D/s relationship is in the real world. People build up fantasy submission and Dominance. Moving from a somewhat infrequent or occasional meeting to say a relationship where the two live together instantly puts the submissive in a state of defense. There is usually a genuine desire to maintain the 'role' they have created. And a complete inability to do so in the created form. Adjusting from the illusion to reality is perhaps one of the most difficult things a submissive ever does. In a sense they utterly reveal themselves. To totally submit is to release fear, embrace trust and relinquish the need to defend their inner self. There are many things the Dominant can do when the submissive is going through this process. The most important of all of them is to create an environment of stability between them. By this I mean that the submissive must have NO concerns that the Dominant is looking elsewhere even when the submissive may appear to push the Dominant toward other people. Part of the submissive will want to destroy the relationship because it requires true submission. Inside there are parts of them that will not wish to surrender the last vestiges of control. It is my opinion that the Dominant should be involved solely with the submissive at this time in the relationship. Encouragement's to poly can be a submissives way to justify internally a breakup. Any poly arrangement should not occur until this entire stage is over and the depth of love, trust and respect are complete between the two people. (This can be a long time)! Next the Dominant needs to tell the submissive what will happen and why. In this way the Dominant is reassuring the submissive that the outbursts, fears, acting out are part of the submitting process, normal. The Dominant should also indicate to the submissive at this stage that they will take a firm stance on all outbursts to maintain consistency for the submissive as they struggle with real submission. By this I mean calm and reasoned responses to ALL of the submissives action. Be firm and kind. If the Dominant and submissive are now living together it is generally a good time to create a 'position of punishment'. In most cases this is a corner in the bedroom or closet where the submissive is remanded to upon each occasion of acting out. If they are noisy (have had a loud verbal exchange) the Dominant should have placed within this place a comfortable gag where if the submissive continues to argue will know they will be gagged. (Many submissives hold gags as a limit - do not neglect to take your submissive to a shop and have them there when you purchase the gag <make it soft leather - comfortable to wear easily>) Indicate to the submissive who has a gag as a limit that they control having it used if they are verbally assaultive, after perhaps 2 direct warnings!!! A punishment place should be staged. The submissive may be remanded there to sit comfortably for a short amount of time to think. An egg timer should be purchased to calculate the time of punishment. If the acting out does not diminish the Dominant can move to a stage of removal of clothing, even to an uncomfortable kneeling position, then to kneeling atop an office mat upended. The increases in discomfort should parallel the obstinance of the submissive. After each punishment the Dominant should remove the submissive and comfort them. The Dominant should not allow the submissive to talk about the event for at least an hour. This is a cooling off period. I should note here that this type of regular structure is easy for the submissive to understand and accept. To some extent they control the level of punishment via their emotional outburst so the Dominant should realize that if a submissive 'pushes' it then they may feel an internal need for a stronger punishment. The Dominant needs to guard against feeling sorry for the submissive and realize that the submissive is quite competent and in actuality is testing the Dominant's strength. The Dominant should never punish in any way that is ego destructive or part of the in-scene play between Dominant and submissive. In other words do not consider punishing by whipping, caning, etc. To do so can diminish the submissives ability to enter subspace and can create trust issues. In addition some submissives enjoy this type of corporal punishment and will act out to be punished (not the type of response you are looking for). Be sure to set up your relationship so that it is manageable. In this I mean that a submissive is not submissive all the time nor is a Dominant, Dominant all of the time. Create space where both can relax and be vanilla, talk openly without reprisal and engage in exchanges where the submissive can appear to be dominant even. These spaces do not challenge the roles, actually they release the needs of the psyche to express all sides of itself. In many cases the Dominant should consider him/herself to be the King or Queen and their submissive to be the Comptroller of Affairs. The King manages the Comptroller . . . the Comptroller manages the King's realm (household, children etc.) The Comptroller should take on all aspects of the King to those below the submissive, and be totally responsible for their management to the King. This is a chain of command. It also allows the submissive to be able to manage and control many things and express themselves over their environment. The King/Queen attains the results they desire and in general the submissive is only too willing to release control in the presence of the King/Queen. This type of creation keeps the King/Queen from micromanagement of every detail of life. It allows healthy creativity and room for the submissive to express their devotion by 'managing' things for their Dominant. Be in control of when and where you require your submissive to be submissive to you. This can be through key words, signs, a look or other means. In this way the submissive is not controlled all of the time nor can s/he pressure the Dominant to be controlling all of the time. Full submission is accomplished through trust. This is built over a long period of time. When a submissive knows that the Dominant is trustworthy to the depths of their soul, eventually they will release fully to them. This cannot be rushed. |
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